Ever-Changing Reflection

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding... It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility.
~ Kahlil Gibran

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Tear Me Apart

Last night, I felt like the world was going to end. I was so achy from the day; my back hurt so much, I felt like crying. I was disappointed Jed texted me after 7 p.m. telling me he was working late and eating dinner there. I was on my own. To figure out how to cook when I could barely stand to move.

I told him I didn't want to be alone.

I was alone. Hungry, sore, frustrated and crying in the hallway. For moments I regretted the entire year. I made a mistake. I wanted to go home. I wanted my mom. I wanted someone to take care of me, hug me, tell me I was ok.

Then Mom calls. I'm on the verge of tears and telling her to come pick me up. Before I can let it out, I'm hit by the flood.

"Your dad's back in the hospital." Mineral levels were too high. The doctors think he might be rejecting the new kidney, three months after he got it. Wham. Just when I thought I was getting my dad back, just when I saw glimpses of life going back to "normal." The wave crashes over me.

What happens now? We just wait.

Then another wave. "Your grandmother is in the hospital too." She thought she had a heart attack. Crash. I'm drowning. She's the only grandparent I have left, and though you're never supposed to admit it, my favorite.

Guilt comes with this wave. I hear a quiver in my mother's voice. Here I am wallowing in my own pain and pity, and my family is suffering even more. My mom, who minutes ago I needed to hold me up, needed me to hold her up.

We talked, said our love you's, hung up. I cried. I texted Jed to let him know I wanted to talk to him.

Within 20 minutes, he's through the door. I'm sitting on the couch, my face a stone wall, staring at the TV but not even seeing it. He plays with the dog, changes out of his work clothes, sits on the couch across from me and watches TV. It seems like an eternity before he asks what I wanted to talk about.

I can't help it, the waterfall gushes down my face as I tell him both my dad and grandmother are in the hospital. He asks questions. He asks if I'm ok. He stays up to watch TV with me even though he's exhausted, so I won't be alone. He wouldn't go to bed without me. He let me cuddle. He talked to me long after the lights went out.

I didn't feel alone.



I spoke to Mom today, twice. This afternoon, Dad agreed to a biopsy to test whether the kidney is being rejected. He went home tonight, and we'll hear the results tomorrow. Please pray for my daddy that the kidney is ok. Not only for my dad, but for the generosity and thoughtfulness of the family who donated the organ -- that can't go to waste.

My nana is also home; she did not have a heart attack. They do not know what happened, so she has to go back to the hospital overnight for all kinds of tests.

Jed came home early tonight. We talked about our days while making dinner. I'm not alone.

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