Ever-Changing Reflection

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding... It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility.
~ Kahlil Gibran

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Wishful Wednesday: Regret

'I wish' .... I hadn't thrown 
my blue blanket away!!

Linus and I were soulmates when I was a child: we both carried our blue blankets wherever we went, and we both sucked our fingers (him his thumb, me the index and middle fingers on my right hand). Linus was lost without his blue blanket, and so was I. My blanket was the same shade of blue that Linus' wasI slept with it every night, I cuddled with it while watching TV, and I carried it with me always. I think my mother had to fight with me not to bring it to kindergarten.

Then, a sad day came. The day that my childhood desires got the best of me. I was out shopping with my mother, and I saw the most fabulous pillow I've ever seen. It was a "people pillow" -- a small square pillow with the likeness of a girl on it in a little dress with her two feet dangling from the bottom of the pillow in satin black Mary Jane shoes and white ruffle ankle socks.

I stopped my mother in her tracks to show her this amazing pillow. I told her it would be perfect for me to take in the car to lay on and that I really wanted it. She told me no, as mothers often do when something catches their child's eye in a store.

I begged and begged and begged. I would be good for the rest of the day, I promised. I wouldn't ask for anything else.

And, then, my mother presented me a deal I should never have considered.

"I'll buy you the people pillow if you promise that, when we get home, you'll throw away blue blanket."

Whoa. I remember standing in the aisle pondering this for a moment. "Ok," I told my mother, as I snatched my new people pillow off the shelf and happily carried it home.

Ah, but when we got home, I realized the weight of my decision. I realized my mother was dead serious. She went into my room and took blue blanket to throw it away.

This is one of my most traumatic memories: I was standing in the doorway between our kitchen and dining room while my mother held blue blanket over the kitchen trash can. I was clutching my people pillow while giant crocodile tears streamed down my face. I screamed. I pleaded. I sobbed. I begged. I grabbed for my blanket. None of it changed my mother's mind; my beloved, tattered blue blanket was going in the trash.

I still can't believe my mother went through with it. Perhaps my favorite blanket disgusted her in its over-worn, over-loved state. Perhaps she was determined to teach me about accepting the consequences of my decisions. I don't know. She never told me. When I bring up my awful memories of that day, she doesn't seem to remember all that drama.

All I know is I sold out my blue blanket. I regret that early decision because people pillow never took my blanket's place. Sure, it was comfy to lay on in the car. Sure I could rub her satin shoes like I rubbed (off) the satin trim on my blue blanket. But, people pillow stayed in the car. She didn't come to bed with me. She didn't cuddle with me while I watched TV, and she didn't go wherever I went. Oh... and she was PINK.

{I have no idea how I ended up with a blue blanket as a baby, since I was a girl. I had that blanket since as long as I can remember, so someone bought it for me as a baby. But, my favorite color was, and still is, blue.}


Sosae said...

Oh my goodness. So I happen to be awake at 2:30am, and I click on your twitter link, only to find this totally charming story... How beautiful! You got me all nostalgic and sentimental over childhood - the forgotten years. You made me long for blue blanket! :)

Anonymous said...

Oh, your story is so bittersweet. And like Virtue Natural, got me all nostalgic.

Sierra said...

I used to have a blanket like this, except I kept mine! But I don't know exactly where it is, must solve that, lol. Aww, sorry you lost your blanket but at least you have the sweet memory. Love the Linus picture.

Kelsey @ Seattle Smith's said...

This story was too sweet, and I am sure you felt like it was yesterday replacing the blanket with the pillow ... aww!

Samantha said...

Sad story.... I used to imagine all my stuffed animals and blankets had feelings and that they would get sad when I had to get rid of them.

Shell said...

I can't believe that she went through with it! Your poor blue blankie!

Thanks for stopping by on my SITS day!

I want to follow your blog, but GFC isn't showing up for me right now- I swear that thing hates me.

I'll be back to follow. You can even remind me to come follow. LOL

bananas. said...

HA! this reminds me of my little brother and his "pink cobija" which means pink blanket. he took that thing EVERYWHERE...literally! and it wasn't small. it was like an adult size blanket. lol.

Anonymous said...

Aw that's so sad. I couldn't imagine standing there and watching my mom throw away my Hannah Bear. I'd probably knock her down before I let that happen! Lol. Stopping by from SITS.

Teresa @ ♥ Too Many Heartbeats ♥ said...

I don't like your mommy very much. :0) J/K! Consequences stink sometimes, don't they?

Hi, I'm stopping by from SITS! I just wanted to share a bit of comment lo♥e!

I hope you're having a great day!

Teresa <><

♥ Too Many Heartbeats ♥

Shannon said...

I had a blanket growing up that my aunt had crocheted for me when I was a baby. I loved that thing and eventually had to throw it out b/c it was so worn and tattered. Still makes me sad to think about.