Ever-Changing Reflection

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding... It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility.
~ Kahlil Gibran

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Why can't I just LET GO?

If I could change one thing, this little, worn Post-It would be my lifeblood, the air I breathe and every thought I think. If I could change just one thing, I would relax, I would let go.

I'd let go of trying to be perfect.

I'd let go of letting the little things get in the way of what matters most to me.

I'd let go of this image in my head I must live up to.

I'd let go of trying to be Martha Stewart, or the perfect hostess, or the perfect employee or the perfect housewife.

I'd let go of forming myself to convention.

I'd let go of pretending to be everyone else but me, putting myself in a column next to everyone I encounter to see if I match up.

I'd let go of dirty laundry overflowing out of the hamper.

I'd let go of the need to make a perfect meal every night -- sometimes vegetables aren't necessary.

I'd let go of pushing myself to be the best, at everything I do, and feeling like my world has shattered because I didn't master something.

I'd let go of beating myself up because I forgot to take the meat for dinner out of the freezer to thaw properly in the refrigerator.

I'd let go of the tension when things don't go as planned.

I'd let go of the tears and the fears and outdated dreams.

I'd let go of pretending to live life and I'd really live it. The way I really want to.

As many of you who have been reading for a while probably know, I don't really talk about my problems or my inner struggle much on my blog. I choose to talk about what's going on, what makes me happy, what I'm grateful for. Well, that is my attempt at ignoring the struggle and shifting my perception. It doesn't always work that well.

Truth be told, I hate that I'm not sure who I am anymore and I'm staring down 30 getting closer and closer. I hate that I think I know what I want, but then it gets close, and I'm not so sure I want it, that it fits me. I hate that I'm into EVERYTHING because it really stresses me out. I try to be everything to everyone, but to me, I feel like I'm nothing. Everything I'm trying to be, I'm failing at: a grown-up, a professional, a girlfriend, a friend, a writer. I'm just not matching up to the vision I had in my head. It's just not working.

So, if I could change one thing, I'd let go of all that. Because, does it matter? Really? In the grand scheme of things, I think I'd be a better me if I stopped trying to be a better me and just was.

That is what I'm aiming for this year. Martha Stewart can suck it.

This post has been brought to you by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop Prompt #1: Describe what you would change about yourself if you could.


Jeanette said...

Good for you! When you let go of the pressure, working to become the best you possible becomes a fun, exciting journey instead of a chore. And I NEVER remember to thaw meat ahead of time, NEVER. Hmm, I wonder what's for dinner tonight?
Great post!

Diggestive said...

Great list, go for it, be the best you can.

Christin said...

This is a great blog post. Thanks for sharing!

Thao said...

So true, and so well-written! You're absolutely right ... self-betterment is often something intuitive and gradual, a result of perception rather than action. I'm going through a lot of the same things, my need to be not only better--but the best at _______(insert any random thing here). It's overwhelming. Thanks for reminding me that you can only be your personal best. :)

~ Kelly Ann ♥ said...

-Yes -that is SJP & Helen Hunt in 80's movie called Girls Just Want to Have Fun-- You have to rent this movie -it's so good!! Also, Shannen Doherty is in it-

Thanks for checking out my blog


Michelle said...

I'm the exact same way! My dad finally told me last night to quit being so hard on myself!

Kelly said...

this is fantastic...i think the biggest thing is that you realize that you want to change those things for you and not others! that's huge!

just remember to live life! it's not worth it if you're stressed out. life's too short!

cheers to YOU

bananas. said...

i have that same post it saved on my computer and whenever i can i use it as advice for myself or others.

great post darling! nobody's perfect...so stop trying to be.

Alexandra said...

Don't stress too much, and remember that nobody's perfect! Martha can suck it! :D

Adele said...

i hope you figure things out soon! take your time (: there's so much life left in front of you! xo

Karen & Gerard Zemek said...

Hope you can figure out what you really want to what's really important to you this year.

Visiting from Mama Kat's Workshop. I did the poem about a picture at http://zemeks.blogspot.com/2010/01/best-part-of-winter-writers-workshop.html

Lace said...

Ugh, girl... this hits home. I've got your back, woman!!

Just remember... perfection is BORING!